I’m not perfect. I bitch, rant, complain. I side swipe people who piss me off without saying names….
but if you’re my friend…you know who these folks are…and why they matter enough to even hurt me in the first place, let alone get mentioned.
But seriously. All in all, if I cared about them they can’t be all bad. I have to admit that. Every person that I’ve ever had to simply walk away from has their endearing qualities…part of the hurt is leaving that behind.
Another part is shock. Never saw this coming, did i? Or maybe i convinced myself to believe it wouldn’t. either way, the shock factor is there.
Then there is the actual hurt. that sucks too. I’ve never been good at telling people who want to leave or walk away or distance themselves that I’d much rather they stay because I do care. This is partially because I’ve been used to people high tailing it in the other direction once they say those things. Its also because in my past experience when you let someone back in they hurt you again. In either case, I tend to react in anger when i’m hurt deep enough. The less I want to do with you…9 times out of 10 is equivalent to how much I cared.
Like I’ve said before…in this post and in life. I’m not perfect. I never claim to be. Not many people understand me enough to see through all my bullshit. I think my best friend and my grandmother are the people who are best equipped.
I know I’m a mess, but I’m better than I have been in a very long time. My life is good. I’m grateful to be alive, for once. Glad for new experiences. Happy that I can complain about lack of sleep. Even in my hurt I stop to appreciate the fact that I’m still standing enough to be hurt, every now and then. It aint perfect. But nothing is perfect. An imperfect life for an imperfect person. seems fitting.
I only wish that I could tell people exactly how I felt about them…without it getting messy, without there being mixed signals, without me feeling the urge to add on to the sentiment later…without anyone feeling any sort of way. just. statements of sentiments and facts. maybe discussion, if necessary.
I’ll never want to deny someone else’s happiness either…no matter how hurt I may become. I know too well how hard it is to find a place within yourself and your life where you are legitimately happy and/or continent….to wish that denial of happiness on someone else. Its taken me 22 years to learn how to love my Self a bit more completely and its been real. I wouldn’t wish any of that on my worst enemy.
but all this is to say…that after being completely blown by numerous incidents, circumstances, and outcomes…that i may or may not have brought upon myself….a part of me still remains optimistic about Life. Its hard. but I have got to find out where this thing is going…
Here’s to tomorrow….May she be wiser from the mistakes of yesterday.