I wanna marry a ghetto nerd 

right? can i have some dorky hoodtastic kids in 15 years?

YES like educate me on Lord of The Rings and Star Trek since while we listen to Raekwon The Chef 

BROOOOOOOOO. I just wanna talk about books and drink tea and learn about black hole theory or physics or literary analysis while goodie mob or wu tang or nwa plays in the background. like. Why is it so hard to find someone to play zelda with/talk about pokemon theories while listening to Boys in the Hood???

Why I’m doing 100 days of happiness

I spent so much time in life being miserable that I forgot what happiness looked like.

I Didn’t remember that it smelled like daisies and sunflowers on warm afternoons…or salt water beaches in the late spring…or rainstorms at 5:00 p.m. in the summer.

I had forgotten that it tasted like mulberries right off the tree…Like small, cold wet plums out of a cooler in a park…Like chocolate and cinnamon and nutmeg in a shake after work on a wednesday.

Forgotten that it felt like books under a blanket, graphic novels in a small corner of a bookstore, whole wall paintings in the art museum, block long murals and neon graffiti….

Forgotten that it sounded like live music in a basement…..remixed songs in a warehouse, breathless laughter from dancing till well beyond your face being flushed. Sounded like your heart racing, your blood thrumming through your ears..your ears ringing as you stumble home late with your friends after howling with the night for hours.

I had been so keenly aware that in life and in love and in death there is pain, heartache, and sorrow…But I had forgotten that there is also breath, laughter, and joy.

There is terror of the unknown…but there is also the sheer nervous excitement of the new possibilities.

Random personal introspective post

I’d like to say that I’ve given up on love or romance. I know I certainly don’t believe in it. Whenever my friends or acquaintances talk about all the adorable, cute, caring things they say and do with their partners, I smile…and there’s this sort of wistful happiness I feel for them. They are happy and that makes me happy…but I still feel that for me, those sorts of things are simply too unrealistic.

Yet, for all of those sentiments…and my soft cynicism I know that something along the lines of love/eros exists…if only because…at the most random of times..in the most unexpected of hours….I feel it. Out of no where. I feel the same breathless, fleeting empty stomach feeling I’ve always felt when I’m infatuated with someone. That open feeling of care with slight longing that makes you smile. And I feel it for no reason at all.

Something is out there. And it is tugging at my heart.

only one person has given me exactly what i wanted when it cones to people I’ve dated. I didn’t have to ask him for it either. I mentioned on my blog that i always wanted someone to ask me out for coffee. He saw it and did exactly that.

And you know, we had great conversations. We even went on a date, but that was before i realized that dating isn’t always best for me.

But, he’s a good person. And he paid attention. I didn’t have to beg for his attention…or wonder about his time and availability. it was there. PhD program and all.

I’m glad we’re still cool because he taught me a lesson. People will make time for things and people they like. There won’t be many questions left unanswered. No secrets. cards are on the table.

And most people choose not to pay close attention to things. this could include you. Don’t let it.

Whenever I think that I am not a happy person..

I write, listen to some music…and i remind myself

Happiness is not a constant state of being. It fluctuates. It must be maintained. It is not static. It is motile. Fluid. It ebbs and flows. But to say that one is not a happy person…isn’t fair. I automatically deny myself happiness when I continue to speak such things.

Even if I an deeply unhappy in my moods..and even if these moods become more frequent again or last longer….I can still have happiness. I can still find joy.

They will not last forever. I can still be happy. I can choose to work towards happiness. It may be hard. But if I keep in mind to try and just be. happy. …Maybe I will find it along the way.

I can’t continue to destroy myself.

Who am I to think that I don’t deserve peace? That I am not good enough? That I don’t deserve happiness?