Biting back feelings

It’s rough. Every time i think I’m out of the woods, something else throws me in the dark.

I’m trying hard as usual. i decided not to do medication for this years ago…and i don’t want to start now.

But the god honest truth is that meds aren’t the real hassle…sliding self medicating with alcohol, sex, or starting recreational drug usage is.

That’s the scary truth about emotional illnesses like depression or anxiety disorders—especially when paired with addiction in family history.

i get nervous about everything. I stay checking to make sure i haven’t built any detrimental or unhealthy habits….

I’m not your entire life.

I know this.

I also have to recognize that…

there was a span of time. where all I ever wanted was you. All I ever needed in my life to ensure that I could at least face tomorrow was to know that you would be there facing it with me.

And in that span of time, you wanted very little to do with me.

I loved you. And you went after someone else.

I did not….do not own you…so it is within your human rights to do so…

But why hasn’t it healed yet for me?

months later…I still see…pictures, videos…here comments and references to that span of time on either of our ends..

and all I do is cry.

What is a wound so deep that it transcends the time span in which it the initial pain occurred?

after both parties have recognized fault and reconciled?

when we’re actively, healthily, happily functioning and living together?

when we both, assumedly, have what we want?


what is wrong with me?

i wish pain wasn’t so tangible for me…and ever present.

It could be 10 years later and something could still hurt like yesterday.

I wish I could free you
Untie your restraints so that you could flex your wings at your leisure
And not just on the whims of others.
You are powerful, beautiful
Dazzling in your wildness
Your ferocity
Your strength
And you deserve
Something
Someone
who will appreciate it too

Maybe…hopefully
Some day soon
You will live under constraints of your choosing
Fully satisfied
And aware
That you can leave, flex, and fly
Whenever you so desire.
 

i may forget details of things

But if you hurt, anger, or offend me deep enough…

I will never, ever forget it. Or how it made me feel.

It stays fresh. Dormant, perhaps, until brought up or made relevant….but fresh.

And I’m just now starting to understand how dangerous that can be.

My boyfriend

Is the fucking best.

I was out at the mall by his house…when suddenly….the reaping hits.

I was super late to begin with….ago at first it was all like “yay!!! It’s here!!!”

But then I started puking from obscene and obnoxious cramps

So he tells me not to drive home, but to his place instead because it’s closer and i need to rest.

I get here and he has his bed made up, tea available, water….

And he made me a heating pad…out of super hot water in a big Pepsi bottle, wrapped in a sheet lol

Brownie points man. He did that.

You make me wanna write poems…
Of a different kind…
Odes to stone walls in sunshine….
Sonnets to Daisies in rain…
Lyrics dedicated to leaves in frost…
Whole epics centering around the fog on my windowsill….

See, you made me believe in smoke and mirrors…
Suspended my conscious in illusions
With you I am both the lock and the escapee…
The chain and the water…
Both the weight and the air bubbling to break free.

You were the real Houdini.

I was just the nature you manipulated.

Together we make the science behind the magic.

The art behind the deception.

Together we are the quiet and the storm.

You make me want to write love poems…

About the sweet simplicity in the symphonies of our discord.

The only thing more interesting than who I am, is where I’m going.

And the only thing more interesting than that, is where I’m coming from

You say you want…your love to work out right…
To last with me through the night…

You say you want..diamonds on a ring of gold….
Your story to remain untold…
Your love not to grow cold…

All the promises we break…
From the cradle to the grave….
When all I want is you…

My head keeps spinning when i wake up.

Dreams drag up old questions.

I’m afraid to ask. I know some of the repercussions.

But my dreams tell me not to be afraid. Fear is an inhibitor. Fear of the unknown and unforseen is foolish. Who fears “what if?”

Everything is pushing me to do it. I can’t be afraid.

My soul is telling me that fear, without temperance, makes you weak. “are you a target?” It snarls at me.

No. My fear of losing you shall not make me weak. I will not allow those fears to control me.

But I won’t alienate you either.

I guess the battle comes soon.

Its kinda comforting to know that someday, when I’m ready….I stand a high likelihood of being able to “settle down.”

You know. Have as career as an educator. Get married. Have a kid or two.

Because, I’ve realized…..I’m pretty cool. And a great enough catch to where i can have a quality partner wherever i so choose to look.

(this has been a self worth appreciation post)

You’re my dark side of the moon….

And we are the lotus eaters….

Tell me….will you still glow when the shimmer and haze from the light of me recognizing that I deserve a wholistic love begins to fade?

Is our live for each other just a firm of planetshine?

I’m writing….

Soon, one will be only for you

About a year ago…Around this time

I was a complete wreck.

I was frantically waiting to hear back from graduate programs because my main plan [[Teach for America]] fell through.

I was struggling to find the energy and motivation to complete my undergraduate degree….

I was also preparing to go to California for a national competition…where I reconnected with one of the main loves of my life—the Ocean. And met the beautiful siren known as Los Angeles.

But I was also going through some intense spiritual growth….And although I thought I was alright then…In retrospect, I realize I was on the verge of starting one of the most intense depressive episodes that I have experienced in my life thus far.

I’m talking about….You find a way to function and get everything accomplished, so you hide how depressed you are from even yourself.

yet you still wake up and have to remind yourself of 5 things that you love every day, just to motivate yourself to make it through the day…sometimes more than once a day, to make it through the morning/afternoon/night….

I drank a lot. Didn’t screw around that much, but I still made some bad decisions. scrapes and bruises in the grand scheme of things..

Worked my ass off on things that didn’t matter [[such as a minimum wage job]] and couldn’t find the will to care about things that did [[My graduate courses]].

But…all that is to say that..well. that was almost a year ago.

I went from not being able to crawl out of bed to do anything except drink one cup of water a day and go to the restroom…to holding a job, doing well enough in classes, and enjoying most of my life again.

If anything, the one thing that is constant from March 2012 and March 2013…is that I am still learning more about my self. every day. A year ago, every day was an epiphany moment for me. I would wake up and realize something new about myself, my behavior, life, how to cope and deal with things…literally 3 or 4 times a week.

Now, it is not so frequent. But I do recognize that I am still in a very static place in my life. Change is constant. Constant change is part of the flow in my life. I do enjoy that aspect.

Next week will be a two year recap…but today…just who I am from then..compared to who I am now…is enough

I feel a baking spree coming on….

Maybe I’ll finally try that lemon or strawberry cake deal….