You make me wanna write poems…
Of a different kind…
Odes to stone walls in sunshine….
Sonnets to Daisies in rain…
Lyrics dedicated to leaves in frost…
Whole epics centering around the fog on my windowsill….

See, you made me believe in smoke and mirrors…
Suspended my conscious in illusions
With you I am both the lock and the escapee…
The chain and the water…
Both the weight and the air bubbling to break free.

You were the real Houdini.

I was just the nature you manipulated.

Together we make the science behind the magic.

The art behind the deception.

Together we are the quiet and the storm.

You make me want to write love poems…

About the sweet simplicity in the symphonies of our discord.

[[untitled]]

My eyes burn
From many happy sleepless nights
spent by your side…

My ears ring
from the cherished numerous
multi-houred conversations
filled with everything and silence
and the whole world in between…

My cheeks are sore
and my lips hurt
from their cracked and bleeding corners
worn into grooves and wrinkles
from the smiles that you cause

But my insides ache
From trying to grasp tight to someone
Who does not want to be held…
Loving someone
who is in love with someone else…
though they may love me back…

Four unfinished poems

i suffocate under the sky sometimes.
and the water here below
she strangles me
thick and captivating
they fill my being like wet clay….

i could reach above and below…
and grasp hold of a fistfull of everything
Anything
But nothing would remain in my palm..
except the streaked wet remains
and mangled lumps
Of what used to be the sea
And what I thought was sky and cloud
But is truly bluish grey matter///

If I were but a maple tree…
plain and commonplace
But tall
and strong
With many branches and leaves for shade…
And I were placed next to 
A great grand sycamore tree
With its spotted bark
And broad curved leaves..
would you still notice me?
Or would I pale in comparison?

Would my finer qualities go unnoticed?
Would you love me any less?

///You casually stripped the stars from my eyes
Idly wiped the ocean spray from my hair….
Lovingly caressed the side of my face
Just to pluck the semi-precious flower from my cheek

you take it
and twist it around
pull the metal petals
leaving only the steely stem
and glittering center

you break it in half
showing me how precious I really am///

When we are near
and not apart
I often feel whole
As if one is the sand
and the other is the wave
breaking across the shore

But sometimes

every now and then

I feel like
a drop in the ocean of your past
A small spring rain
Next to their monsoon

Blind Man’s Bluff

I’ve spent..
time unending pacing pavement
treading circles around your basements
creeping through decrepit cellar doors
sweeping and cleaning your dirt covered floors
Being shoved in your dark spaces
While expecting to keep the light in my eyes.

I mean..
I’ve spent…
bouquets of moments doing nothing but inhaling your scent
Memorizing the curve of your lips
Drinking the feel of your heat
Blanketing myself in the sounds of your sheets
Taking in sleep ridden moments in morning’s sleeping embrace
As subconscious forms of affection between your lines.

We’re scripted.
You see me as security safety.
Safely you could play me as confidently as a puppeteer pulls strings
Edging and tugging me into a storybook ending.

But that’s not your thing.
No.
Simplicity is boring.
Can’t set still
No.
Now I represent something boring.
Or.

Set.

Standard.

But.
I want to go and party.
Feel electricity run through my body
Dance until my chest is sore
Break until I can’t taste any more
Of you.

Because you’re still trapped in my mind.
The longer time progresses
The more that I find

I still have your dirt under my fingernails.
Your bruises on my tongue.
The pain of your heat on my back.
The smell of your sweat behind my eyes.

I’ve spent…
Months entwined in your hidden life
Justified as a short goodbye
Or a small pittance

That stain of blood you couldn’t wash out of your floor.

I mean…
I’ve spent…

Small ages inside your picket fence
Hedged back by shrouded sentiments
Judgement coated in emotion that you could never relent.

And I’m not even sure what for…

I just know that..
I want to go and party
Until this numbness sets into my body
Pushing out the ache in my soul.
Breaking the cast in your mind.

Would you cast me aside then?
Or would you finally wake up
To the scent of my tears in your pen.

When i sleep at night

When i sleep at night…
I dream of…
Butterflies.
Flowers in full bloom…
Brightly lit space stations…
Futuristic colonies on the moon…

Because.
That is what you do to me…
You give me…
butterflies…
My body feels like a garden of flowers…
My heart is in full bloom…

The fictional seems possible.
With us, every day is a journey in space…
And time…
In time, i hope we both get to see the moon
And stars.
Together.

Skinning

I’ve found myself getting lost in the bends and folds of your face.
Caught myself wanting to leave my entire life’s history upon your lips.
Imprinting my being onto your skin.
I wanted to leave all of me with you
Just for the hope that you would carry even a bit of me wherever you should go.

We cannot stay together forever.
Physically it is impossible.
But I look at you and I see home.
Comfort and love waiting.
I look at you and I yearn for security.
My skin begs to feel your fingertips run along my seams…
Firmly, yet gently pressing my Self back into my bones.

I feel myself unravelling with you
But you are the master tailor.
Stitching and shaping me into a shape unfamiliar to me
Yet with complete and utter trust do I yield to you

I have faith in your vision.
Do you have faith in mine?

I feel the familiar contours and ripples that form You
Wish that I could peel back your physical so that I can finally see the part that is most familiar to me…

To finally view what the part of you I thought I knew best.

Or to see what it is you hide.

1/1/13 1:22 a.m.

Some time before
In some years past
I used to dream
fantasize
and Imagine
That one day
I would…
be

Able to love someone to the point of being selfless
Giving of myself without fear
or concern of it ever being returned.
I would be able to cook
And
Take out the dry cleaning.
Do the dishes
And Iron shirts.
Color coordinate rooms
and help tie neckties.

I wouldn’t mind
hosting a small dinner party
or a get together with friends
or going out as company
To gatherings where I knew no one.

But that was then.
Since then
I have been able to
love completely
and cook
or give entirely of myself.
In return I have had
Bruises
Sickness
Criticism
Betrayal
Lack of trust.

Tell me,
What do you do
When you
Show someone your entire world
And they
Bury it under a landfill
So that no one but them may ever see it?
When You have shown someone
Diamonds that you have found
But they spit at you
For showing them simple colorless stones
snatching them from you
Knowing their worth much more than you?

How do you trust anyone
To love you
Not lie to you
or Hurt you
After living through
War Zones
disguised as homes?
And Hatred
Presented as love?

Once upon a time
In years past
I would dream that
I could
Love
anyone
Without fear
of being hurt
And without caring
Whether or not it would ever be returned

But those were dreams. 

Midnight

Because waking up next to you
Is the only acceptable way
Of me starting my day
I’ve gotten uneasy.

Because I’ve realized that
I don’t want much else
Than to curl up under blankets
Wind up under sheets
With you
Spun and coiled up next to me.
I’ve become nervous.

Because its difficult
Trusting others to do you no harm
When you know that is impossible.
Because it is difficult
Loving someone
That you know is irreparably flawed
Because it is hard
To know the painful truth
That everyone will hurt you.

You will be hurt.
You will be betrayed.
If you love, hearts will be broken.
And they will break regularly.

If i give in..
You will hurt me.
We may both be betrayed.
And who knows where forgiveness lies….

I know nothing.
Except
That the dull, slow ache you left is still there…
and is best repaired
By your presence.

The knife hurts less if you don’t pull it out.

The vaccine comes from the sickness itself.

Time and love heals all wounds.
But still.

It is one of the hardest things
I have ever had to do.

I am afraid.

stop it…stop doing this to me

stop changing my entire scope of reality.

my mentality towards things.

you aren’t logical. You do not make sense

How does
Spending time
Talking to one person
Make you envision
A world and state of living
You never thought possible?

How does
Spending time
In the presence of one person
Make time and space bend
To fit
Just around
The two of you?

How can you
Send me to another dimension….
Another plane of existence…
Another state of being…

Stop it. Stop doing this to me.
You defy Logic and Science.

Stop making me believe that
Shooting stars
Are more than
Chunks of rock and space debris
Hurtling through space
White hot and deadly speeds.

Stop making me think that
The heart
Is more than an autonomous muscle
Pumping Blood.
But that it is also a feeling thing
Pumping sentiment. 

Stop it. Whatever it is you’re doing to me.

Because I am well past the point of believing that this could possibly be real…
And almost at the brink

Of calling this new space
My home. 

I wish it weren’t cold outside

Or i wish the cold were thicker

Something sturdy and more tangible
So I could slide out of my window
and allow it to envelope me..
cradling my restless girl self
Like a velvety hammock.

Covered on all sides
By a deep bluish violet velour.
A sturdy ladder, perhaps
Which I could use to
Escape my warm natural confines

 And ascend straight to the stars…

Covet

I wanted…
To feel amazing.
For every single nerve ending in my body to shine fiber optic
I wanted to see
To see what it was like
To not ever have to worry
To hear the phrase “actions speak louder than words”
And know it was true…

With every centimeter of my fiber optic being.

I wanted you to make me glitter softly in the daytime
Glow warm by night
In only the way that you know how.
I wanted to feel that pins and needles prickling sensation all over when you kissed me
Static electricity popping off of us as our lips touched
I wanted you to make my skin crawl with anticipation
Not unlike the sensation I get when ladybugs creep up my arms
Or that one time when I was ten and a dozen butterflies covered me at once.

Its a lovely feeling….
And its something that reminds me of you
And how you used to make me feel.
Once upon a time, my smile was what really mattered to you
And the green glare of Envy was far from me

I thought I didn’t have to worry…

And now I can’t help but want that again.
And now I can’t help but want something like what was once before…yet again
Yet..again you remind me that you are doing all you can..
And I am reminded that I am asking for too much..
That I want for too much… 

I wonder sometimes if all of my wanting
Will eat me from the inside out. 

Some haiku to express my sentiments on humanity

i don’t like people.
they are starting to act weird.
They should go away.

Physical Contact???!!!
What is with all the touching?! 
Creepers. Get Back! Ew.

I would rather read
than interact with asses.
Books at least make sense. 

Listen to Music?
Wonderful alternative.
It will drown you out. 

I am on the net.
Tumblr and anime. Yay!
No humans allowed. 

[[untitled]]

My lips cannot properly convey
the fluttering in my chest.
What I feel when my eyes find yours
across a crowded room
Moreso when we are alone in a close space
beats against my ribs
like a wild caged bird.

My fingertips cannot transfer
the ache in my spirit.
The song that my heart sings
when ever you are near
Particularly when you hold me
resonates in my bones,
ringing through my blood, humming in my veins. 

My tongue cannot express
the sheer delight of tasting you.
The thrill of having you surround me
in the vibrant stillness of the dark,
Where nothing lies between us
except for ourselves, is maddening.

I stretch inside of my skin in the mornings.
Roll around in my bones at night.
Wander inside of my soul during the day.

Every bit of my being
hums for you.
My nerves vibrate
like a guitar string ringing out its final note.
Thoughts of you echo in my mind
like a piano key struck in an abandoned hall.
My heart simply sings for you…
Haven’t you heard?

My entire body is a love song
written by an unskilled musician.

My entire being is your love song
that you haven’t quite heard…. 

My internal conflicts become External
Bleeding from my pores
And on to my skin
dripping from my eyes
To smear across my face
Masking any logic I may have
With blind panic.
It seems.
My heart is suddenly on my sleeve
My stomach has dropped
To my shoes.
Gaping holes all inside of me
Emptiness.
Voids left from the substance that was once there.
You have turned me inside out. 

I fell in love one time.

Stumbled across it really.
Was hit when I was least expecting it.
Not unlike a sleepwalker who walks right into the path of the morning biker.
It was abrupt, jarring
Sort of painful
But not fatal.

The next few moments were hazy.
Smiles and petty disagreements.
Laughs and sleep.
Long talks and late night movies.
Work and reading.
Life as they say…
In rose colored glasses.

My heart was given willingly—
Shared, I thought, at the time.
The biggest part of me.
Compromised
and bartered upon.
An exchange
Of mine for theirs.

But all of that changed.
And when they walked away
And forgot to give back
The best half of me
Which they had kept
for presumed safe keeping.
Didn’t even turn back when I called for them.
Didn’t even listen to my request
For them to make me whole again
Even once they had seemingly become whole themselves.

So I learned to live without it
Heartless I walked around
Lifeless, no blood pumping through my veins
Stagnant, but breathing.
Feeding off the lusts and wanting of others…
The Living Dead.

And after I had my fill
Of feasting on the hearts of others…
Once I began to tire
Of the taste of flesh…
Disgusted by my own carnality

They came back.

I’m not sure what they are here for…
Or for how long…

I am only certain of one thing.



You still have half of my beating, broken, and rotted heart in your back pocket.

And I want it back.