I wish I could free you
Untie your restraints so that you could flex your wings at your leisure
And not just on the whims of others.
You are powerful, beautiful
Dazzling in your wildness
Your ferocity
Your strength
And you deserve
Something
Someone
who will appreciate it too

Maybe…hopefully
Some day soon
You will live under constraints of your choosing
Fully satisfied
And aware
That you can leave, flex, and fly
Whenever you so desire.
 

I wish it weren’t cold outside

Or i wish the cold were thicker

Something sturdy and more tangible
So I could slide out of my window
and allow it to envelope me..
cradling my restless girl self
Like a velvety hammock.

Covered on all sides
By a deep bluish violet velour.
A sturdy ladder, perhaps
Which I could use to
Escape my warm natural confines

 And ascend straight to the stars…

Because she
seemed
delicate
and soft.
Because her folds
and curves
were rounded
and attractively colored.
Because her hair
reminded me of soft grass
for me to lay my head upon.
And because her smile and laugh
reminded me of fresh air
and warm sunlight.
I imagined that
She tasted of flowers
And of Spring…. 

Fix

you make me wanna
go on an acid trip
im still trying to find
the high
that makes me feel
greater than you
makes me feel
grater than you did
I want closure
I want
erasure
I wanna
Erase you out of my memories
The thought of you
either causes
grievous bodily harm
or
slight ecstasy
I really need a new trip
I’m looking for my new fix
Anything
To keep
my mind off of you
anything
to keep
my demons at bay
I’m searching for a way
to chase the dragon
at dawn 

Meee aaand youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

settin in a hoooney mooooooooooooooooooooooon

when i wake up next to you
when i wake up next.to.you. 

random

I pray for your easy going
Your progress
Your blessing

At the end of the day
When all is said and done
please remember this

I do care
somewhere
Because I do pray for you

Even though I stopped believing in prayer long ago
And have long since stopped praying for myself

But.
In the event
That a few heartfelt words
Could possibly
Sway the world
And give you
just that little bit more joy…

I’ll gladly do anything.

to help. 

I’m the only Black latina in my Grad class—and the only female HBCU graduate

I keep fighting to find common ground with the universe
All of the other beings
Just don’t seem
To add up to me.

I am the does not compute
Your error code.
The one plus one does not equal two
The algorithm my roommate can’t figure out.

Strangely.
In a room full of outsiders.
Hippie, conservative
Literal liberal
quirky oddballs…
That I would feel like the other.

Odd
That
Even amongst nerds
In our quest for
The epic holy Diploma.
That I would still find myself
The Other.

Stranger still
That after fighting
And questioning
I find that the only thing we have in common
Is that we are all
English majors
Who love literature
And hate grammar

Except for two…

And that seems to be
ground enough
For me to finally try
and speak to someone outside of class. 

its always a little bit better when you do something like you’ve got something to prove

or maybe I just like things more when I feel like I’ve got something to lose….

that awkward moment when you think you might’ve liked the abuse.

My Girlfriend

My girlfriend….
Has Violet Eyes.
She stains her lips red
And lines her eyelids black.
Her hair is dark blue.

My girlfriend…
Swears
her eyes were made
to match
The lilacs that her mother raised
In her garden
Before her death.

 My girlfriend
Paints.
Every day as release therapy
Uses her face
As a palette too
Says its better than using her body
The way she used to
Says its better to beat her face this way
Instead of the way he used to
Says its makes it easier to remember the way
Her lips would look
When she bled.
Less painful this way…just painting them red.

She remembers this way.

My girlfriend…
lines
Everything up in a row
Is still secretly afraid to leave
Anything out of place
Swears that she will turn around and see him
Towering above her
Ready to strike
If she dares to leave on the bathroom light
Wakes up in the middle of the night
Screaming
Hands raised
Trying to protect her face
Her eyes..
She still lines
perfectly
black
From trying to hide bruises that have long since faded away

Her hair
Is dark blue
From all the memories she held deep.
In her mind
She’s a patchwork quilt of her very own life
But to the naked eye.
She’s just outlandish.
She tells me
When we’re sleeping
That she always liked the irony…the notion
Of wearing your heart on your sleeve.
But she would never want to say anything…

She whispers that a tattoo might be next 

I hate looking at Photographs

While they do tell me that you are still alive
breathing
and well

And while I am grateful for these things

Every now and then
A certain angle
a half smile
A turned profile or two
reminds me….

Of why I ever loved you in the first place
Which then prompts me to wonder
If i’m damaged beyond repair…
For good

if so…
Who wants damaged goods? 

seriously,

if i’m gonna kill myself. it will be well before I give birth. I couldn’t imagine leaving a small human i helped create by themselves. on purpose. not that i’m judging anyone who has….life is real. and so is post partum. 

but then again. i might be the only person who thinks about these things.

i wiiiiiiish I didn’t have to worry about rape or domestic violence or anything like that.

I wiiiiiish I could live my life being able to walk next door to my best friend’s house  at any old time of day or night…and not be afraid to stand on the porch without calling her first to let her know I was knocking on the door….or not have to watch the cars that go by…or the people that see me entering and exiting my house.

I wiiiiiish I could walk around in my sweatpants and a t-shirt with no bra on and not feel the need to cover up more…or that I could go out with no underwear and never ever feel the need to be overly conscious about it because people are staring at me and stuff like that is “provocative”

or that me swimming in my bra and underwear wouldnt be indecent exposure…versus if it were a swimsuit.

I wish I didnt have to worry about those things. I wish i had that luxury.

Tattoo on ya back? I see all that

You already got a girl…I aint tryna be all that lol

i hung out with a friend yesterday

he messages me on facebook “yesterday was amazing”

and immediately i thought of that awkward “text you the morning after” person…

…and i felt awkward